Hello there. I’m Gaz and I’m an incorrigible thug. My life has been a long catalogue of perpetrating extreme acts of violence and keeping fit.

Today, I’m going to show you how to reduce that unsightly belly and tone those wobbly thighs the simple and easy way. No need for loose clothing or bottles of energy drink for this one folks. Here we go then!

1 – Stop being a greedy fucker and do some exercise or I’ll come round your drum and shove a burning petrol-soaked rag up your nostrils you mug!

NEXT WEEK: Gaz threatens to put 3000 volts through your genitalia and throw your body in the Thames if you don’t stop guzzling suet pudding.

Gary “Gaz” Hoadley is Vice-President of  The Get Fit Or Get Flattened Violent Offenders Association