‘We’re So Thick We Didn’t Even Understand The Relevance Of A Diminishing Number In Our Bank Account’

An Urbano exclusive—still “London’s most papery paper”

An unemployed yet perfectly able-bodied Lotto-winning couple were refused benefits today after Social Security couldn’t believe anybody could be so fucking dumb as to piss the whole lot away in a very small period of time.

Jimmie-Bobbins, 23, and 21-year-old Celestial-Ray Baebeesham Smith, did one of those really odd regional Lotto draws that happen on a Thursday afternoon or something stupefying in 2013, and won £100000—but just two years later, they are asking for benefits again, as they are as close to a dictionary definition of “fuckwitted” as they come.

Now they are appealing to the government to help them with their rent payments as they face eviction, and think that their cause will be aided by embarrassing themselves in front of our readership. We had a picture of them ready for this article but the editor said it was “too depressing” and he “didn’t want to tarnish the image of this free newspaper, even though almost everybody thinks it’s the worst kind of shit anyway”.

The couple admit they “have been a bit daft” with the winnings but say that for them “the lure of shiny objects” was too much for their tiny brains to handle. In their defence, 100K wouldn’t do anything for this reporter’s life, given that his tiny little house still has £220000 owing on it, and I think we can all understand the desire to splurge a little following good fortune. I want a new phone for example, as mine keeps doing this weird electronic screaming noise while I’m on a call.

But still, for fuck’s sake.

Asked about their funds running out, Celestial-Ray said, “We moved into a bigger flat and had to buy furniture ourselves with our own money, which was a very strange and disturbing experience. We bought some clothes too—my husband likes designer clothing because he is especially gullible, and it made him feel good for about 30 seconds to rise above his normal bottom-feeding, parasitic status. Usually he steals his clothes from the market, but with our winnings he was able to go into those fancy independent shops and be looked at with disgust by the posh retail staff.”

She added, “I got myself a Range Rover, as it is the most awful acquisition for any classless moron who falls into money through luck or capitalist greed. It’s enormous and it doesn’t matter if I crash it because only the other people will die. I also put eyelashes on the headlights, LOL.”

“I mean, we won the lottery! We deserve nice stuff!”

Jimmie-Bobbins said, “I have thought about looking for work, you know. But to be honest I can’t be fucked and would prefer to beg my mum for handouts and disappoint her on a daily basis. I’ve had a quick look in the back of the paper for jobs and you need all qualifications and skills and that, plus a modicum of self-respect and a desire to be a part of society. I’ve got none of these things. It’s the government’s fault probably.”

A spokesperson for Social Security said it was policy not to comment on individual cases, however speaking more broadly she said that she was “sick of this torrent of human flotsam that pours into my office every day” and that this kind of case was “quotidian, pathetic and banal”. We at the Urbano looked up these words in a dictionary, and it has given the whole editorial and writing staff here much to think about.






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