Teenager’s Pregnancy Dilemma

Teen Pregnancy Dilemma

Paula (that’s not her real name) is just about to turn 16 with her whole life in front of her. Her parents have organized a large party for her and are going flat out to give their princess daughter a birthday to remember.

Paula came to me as she is in deep turmoil and doesn’t know how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.

She contacted me to say: “My mum and dad will be devastated. They have been great to me and they have spent an absolute fortune on this party for me but how can I live with myself that I am pregnant and I don’t feel I have earned that party. If anything I feel like I have let my parents down. Can you help me Madge?”

Here’s what I told poor wee Paula…

Okay sweetheart, I am going to have to split this into two for you. You are gonna get the good psychological support crap you are supposed to get but I am also gonna slap yer wrists, cuff you around the ears and give ye a size 7 ½  up yer backside for being a wee dafty waster.

Let’s start with the latter:
Whit the hell whaur ye thinking? You are only a wean yersel hen. Whit in God’s name possessed ye to have sex at your age and without protection? Wiz it the drink? Whaur you oan that dafty Buckie stuff? You are a child for fuck sake. Children cannae bring children intae this world. It is unhealthy and unethical plus yous two wasters huv nae dosh. Who’s gonna pay for the wee yin? If ye whaur ma lassie I’d belt ye wan and send ye tae yer room. And yer dafty arse boyfriend would feel the back of ma haun right acroass his lugs. I’d belt him that hard he’ll still be seeing stars well intae his 20s.”

Okay, now the political correct psychologists govern body crap I am supposed to say:
There is nothing that your parents will be shocked about Paula. They will be disappointed and they will feel terrible about the whole situation and there will be tears but if you didn’t get that from your parents it would be a lot worse because that would mean they don’t love you; which we all know and can see that is not the case.

Tell your mum and dad you are pregnant. You will be amazed at the support you will get from them. Trust me sweetheart, your parents seem like really decent people and in a way you are actually lucky to have parents like them in your current situation.

Sit both of them down and explain it to them in the most natural way you possibly can. Don’t try to hide or cover up or make excuses; they are your parents, they will know how you feel.

I bet you will have the best party ever and see when that wee wean is in their arms; they will both melt and you will all sit back and say the same thing: “I cannot imagine how my life was before the baby was born.”

See, who says Big Auntie Madge is no qualified?

Noo whaur’s ma belt tae a take it across yer wee dafty boyfriend’s arse. I’m gonnae scud his arse that hard his rear-end will look like a fluorescent tomato that’s just been exposed tae radiation.

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