Situations Vacant: Apprentice Mechanic Wanted

A friendly, franchised garage in East London are seeking a disinterested, surly little bastard for a varied number of tasks in our busy workshop.

The taciturn, spotty little turd we seek, should be totally unwilling to carry out any task we might suggest and be able to grunt incoherently and grudgingly haul himself from a chair, sporting  a protruding lower lip whenever called upon to do anything that’s vaguely approaching work.

An overbearing mother that will barge into the front office with a face like thunder, complaining on an almost daily basis that her child is being “treated like a bloody skivvy”, despite the fact he hasn’t lifted a finger for days, would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

The complete inability to know one end of a spanner from the other will also be looked upon favourably, as will a ghastly prison pallor - a testament to spending weeks on end in the bedroom, playing on a hand-held games consul.

Overalls, safety boots and ear defenders will all be provided, although a pair of ridiculous, baggy trousers, stolen trainers and a laughable baseball cap worn back to front, must be supplied by the applicant himself. Full training on masturbating into a sock will  also be provided, but applicants must be prepared to be thrown into the waste oil tank if caught by a senior technician.

If you think you fulfil most, or all, of the above criteria, have rudimentary mumbling skills and all the personality and charm of a garden shed, get your mum or probation officer to scrawl a, largely illegible, piece of risibly punctuated drivel on one of our application forms, available on request and send to:

Teddy Prendergast Motors
Unit 4
The Arches
Cripplegate
East London

 

 

 

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