Rubbing tree bark against my testicles would help me ‘beat cancer’ promised Facebook Group

by Kat Ziegel

A 59-year-old man who is expected to die from cancer in the next few weeks thanked a Facebook Group for supplying him with a range of alternative remedies to beat his cancer, it has emerged.

The medical profession ‘in fear of Facebook Groups curing every bastard’

Speaking exclusively to Dafty News, the frail father-of-three said: “If I had known rubbing tree bark against my balls, throwing a handful of crystals over my shoulder, and dipping my toes in aroma oil candle wax to shrink my tumours, I would have beaten cancer a year ago.”

The group, famous for curing all sorts of illnesses and ailments first came to the attention of the medical profession after a slightly-built 45-year-old grandmother fell headfirst down a manhole but recovered miraculously after the Facebook Group recommended she wrapped a silk scarf, dipped in goat’s milk, around her neck – saving her a trip to the spinal unit.

Leading professor Heribert Steinmyer said: “That’s it! We’re all f*cked now. I spent the best part of forty years studying and applying science and all this time I could have saved a lot of money and work by simply joining a Facebook Group.”

Dafty News tried to contact the admin of the Facebook Group but we were told she was having her sight restored by placing two homemade digestive biscuits made from herbs on to her eyelids.

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