The wife of a prominent Tory MP was left to face the music last night as it was revealed that her husband of 35 years, John Philips, MP for Billingsgate in London, had passed away peacefully in his sleep showing absolutely no signs of having been involved in any kind of depraved sexual practice whatsoever.
Mrs Sandra Phillips, of 25 Mablethorpe Avenue, Bromley By Bow, East London. Tel: 077423459837, asked that her name and address be withheld as she tries to come to terms with her shame. Weeping openly and often fighting to regain her composure, Mrs Phillips, 55, revealed “This has all come as such a terrible shock. I woke up on Wednesday morning and found John lying dead beside me. Naturally I assumed it was as a direct result of some sickening act of auto-eroticism, but to my horror I soon realised that he’d died of heart failure and that there were no vile, seedy, extenuating circumstances whatsoever.
“Naturally I tried to disguise the fact by dressing him in a giant nappy and ramming a ball gag in his mouth before the ambulance arrived, but there just wasn’t time. The deep sense of shame I felt when the paramedics told me he’d passed away peacefully in his sleep will live with me forever”
Mrs Philips, herself a prominent London human rights solicitor, went on. “I knew almost immediately after the wedding that things weren’t quite right. He began coming to bed in his pyjama’s and then falling asleep without making any gut-wrenchingly abhorrent sexual demands. Things had seemed so normal during our courtship, and even on our first date, he instructed me to flagellate his nether regions with a barbed leather flail and asked me if I’d be prepared to indulge in a heinous act of extreme watersports. I thought all my girlhood dreams had come true to be honest, but I now realise he was just lulling me into a false sense of security.
”Things then began to go downhill at an alarming rate and his sickening depravity seemed to tail right off. Things came to a head a few weeks before the wedding when he asked me to come to bed in a Winceyette nightie and then set the alarm clock before going to sleep. Naturally I was appalled and should have heard all the warning bells, but like all impressionable young girls, I was blinded by love and thought things would improve with time.
”The real hammer blow, however, came on our honeymoon in Bali when he spent 3 or 4 minutes in the bathroom cleaning his teeth before coming to bed and making love to me in the missionary position for around 5 or 6 minutes. He then just calmly rolled over and fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and the sheer horror of his actions will be with me until my final breath. I just felt so used and dirty.
”To protect their feelings I’ve told our three children that Daddy passed away in a filthy rub and tug parlour in Walthamstow as a result of being asphyxiated and flagellated to death by some weary, overweight tugboat in stockings and suspenders. However, what they’ll make of it when the true circumstances come to light I dread to think to be honest. All I ever asked of him during our long marriage was that he indulge in a few nauseating sexual practices from time to time, and occasionally got caught in an appallingly embarrassing situation by one of the Sunday papers. I just feel numb at the moment. I feel as if he’s let me, his party and the entire family down.
The Prime Minister made a brief statement from outside a Thai, bondage and S & M den last night in which he stated. “While we mourn the death of a well loved and hard-working colleague and friend, the party of course, would never condone this type of unacceptable behaviour. This great party of ours has been built on a proud history of appalling, and at times, downright nauseatingly vile sexual excesses and as long as I’m at the helm these sickening practices will continue unabated. Our thoughts and prayers however, must go out to his wife and family at this terribly difficult time”.
Mr Philips funeral will be held next Thursday at All Saints Church, Cripplegate, London when it’s believed his body will be displayed in a glass top coffin wearing a baby doll nightie and skin-diving flippers to save the family further distress.