There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take my time over this one to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.
People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.
Firstly, and bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar. The excitement of the chase and the bloody conclusion really gets me in the festive mood.
Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes. The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.
I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey I always give them strict instructions to make sure they text me as soon as it’s cooked. Some people like to use a meat thermometer for this, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.
Finally, after a decent skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.
For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the guests to go down the paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines, which I serve with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.
Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo later on tonight. Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the cold meat buffet on Boxing Day.
Finally, have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, you can kill and eat the bastard”
A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and happy New Year from Stacy and all the family x