Dafty News has learned that a 32-year-old Glasgow housewife made elaborate plans for an episode of self-abuse shortly before the start of a film starring the actor, Tom Hardy.

Tracy Dell, a married mother of 6, laid out a number of sex toys on the coffee table in front of the screen, along with an oil-based lubricant and a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream liqueur.

According to our sources, Mrs Dell began pleasuring herself 22 minutes into the film at a point where Hardy removes his shirt and begins chopping wood while sweating heavily under a hot sun.

She then allegedly climaxed a number of times throughout the film before clearing everything away and making a start on her husband’s dinner.

In other news, a man from Drumchapel was unable to masturbate to completion after drinking 7 cans of Skol Special Strength and half a bottle of ‘Bucky’, despite sitting through a 2-hour movie featuring actress, Kate Winslet, in various states of undress.

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