by Danny SoZ

A 50-year-old man from Drumchapel has told Dafty News, that during the course of a 20-minute visit to a local Lidl supermarket he developed a searing hatred for another shopper that almost certainly would have ended with him snuffing out the other man’s life like a match if the fear of arrest and imprisonment had not been a factor.

Toby Dell, a furnaceman at Drumchapel Bell Foundry, spoke to us last night from his home in Kinfauns Drive: “This bloke came in with his ginger-haired missus, and I have to say, he got right on my tits from the word go.

“He was a skinny, weasely looking bastard and I wanted to clump him right there and then.

“Everywhere I went he seemed to be there, talking to his old woman in a high-pitched voice, discussing what food to get in for the weekend and other gay shit like that.

“At one point, he even asked her if she fancied having a barbecue at the weekend. I couldn’t believe my ears and almost knocked the fucker out on the spot.

“Fortunately, my missus noticed the veins in my bonce pulsing and told me to go and sit in the motor. Otherwise, I’d have definitely straightened the bastard.

“I even spotted him in the car park when we were leaving and drove the car at him, but fortunately for him, my old woman heaved on the wheel at the last minute and I just missed the cunt”

Mr Dell requested that his fee for this interview be donated in full to St Mary’s Church in Drumchapel where he’s the current rector and choirmaster.

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