Local grandad plans to fake own death to avoid Xmas family get-together

by Danny SoZ

A 75-year-old Whitechapel grandfather has told Dafty News that he plans to fake his own death early on Christmas morning to get out of going to a family Xmas dinner at his son’s house later in the day.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told us: “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to my son’s place when I could be sitting in front of my own telly with complete control of the remote and a few cans of Skol Super to wash down the snacks.

“I plan to go into a catatonic state like Ray Miland did in, The Premature Burial. Then, with a bit of luck, the missus will go to the party on her own and I’ll be left in peace with some frozen nibbles and plenty of fizzy grog.

“It’s a surefire winner and beats my usual trick of faking a heart-related seizure, or even last year’s brilliant ruse when I pretended that I was suffering from the early onset of dementia and stripped naked in the lounge just before Christmas dinner.

“I was soon back in the comfort of my own home after I rested my nob on the palm of my hand and asked if anyone wanted a sausage on a plate”

Mr Dell remained undeterred when we pointed out that a 70-year-old woman from Shadwell used the same ploy in 2011 and was put in the chest freezer by her husband before he flew out to spend Christmas and the New Year with their daughter in New Zealand.




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