“Judy Made My Life A Living Hell” Claims Mr Punch

Puppet icon and kiddie’s favourite, Mr Punch, has made the astonishing claim that he was a battered husband who was subjected to regular and sustained beatings by his wife of  over 300 years, Judy - who ironically, has been portrayed as an abused spouse herself since around 1662, often falling foul of her short-tempered husband who was regularly seen attacking her in the booth with a giant wooden stick.

Artwork by Artful Dodger

Using his full name of Mr Pulcinella, the 18″ high wooden doll told reporters, “Judy has made my life an absolute living hell ever since we moved over here from Italy in the mid 17th century. I suppose it began a few months after we were married. She’d become morose and sullen after I’d given her a good belting over the head with my big stick during the performances, and would take it out on me at home. I’ve lost count of the times when she’d sneak up behind me at meal times and smash me over the head with a cast iron skillet or push my face into my dinner, laughing and jeering”.

“The worst moment came when she threw the crocodile into the bath with me one night and I was quite badly bitten before the brute dragged me to the bottom of the tub, lodging me under a heavy pumice stone.”

“Then there were her flings with other members of the cast. She would taunt me with tales of sordid liasons with The Policeman and once showed me graphic video footage of herself straddling the butcher on the floor next to the sausage machine, crying out “That’s the way to do it!” in a high-pitched vibrato voice.

These revelations come hot on the heels of the shock news that Toytown resident, Big Ears, once sawed through his long-term partner Noddy’s brake pipes, after spotting him emerging from the home of Miss Tessie Bear looking out of breath and dishevelled.

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