Home Secretary, Theresa May, has revealed that Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, beat her up in the toilets during a Christmas party at The Palace of Westminster on Saturday night.

“The party was going really well,” May told reporters. “A few of the Labour MPs seemed pretty pissed, but all in all, it was a good-humoured, cross-party affair to be honest.

“Around 11.00pm, I found myself breaking my neck for a slash so I went into the ladies bogs and dived into one of the traps for a gypsy’s kiss. When I came out, Jeremy Corbyn was standing there. He looked unsteady and a bit wild-eyed. It was clear that he’d been drinking heavily.

“Before I could react he caught me on the chin with a tremendous right-hander to the jaw, sending me down on one knee. After taking a few seconds to recover, I managed to get back on my feet and get my guard up, hoping to get behind my jab until my head was clear enough to go on the offensive.

“He then ‘went downstairs’ and caught me with a huge shot to the solar plexus before delivering a couple of big bombs to the temple and jaw which sent me down for a second time.

“It was at this point that Labour left-winger, Diane Abbot, came in for a dump. I asked her to help me, but she told me it was between him and me and that I had it coming anyway.

“Fortunately, the ex-Speaker, Betty Boothroyd, emerged from one of the other traps just as Corbyn was getting ready to put the boot in and she straightened him with a right and left hook combination followed by a peach of a shot to the jaw. The boy went down like a sack of spuds, giving me the opportunity to give him a few toe-enders to the kidneys before rejoining the party. It was a night I won’t forget in a hurry and no mistake”

May’s revelation comes almost 30 years to the day when the late Margaret Thatcher famously ruptured Michael Heseltine’s spleen on the coach down to Brighton for The Conservative Party Conference following a row over a crate of brown ale.




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