January 2016 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

You Won’t Believe What This Month Has in Store for You.

Steffi’s stars brings you everything you need to know for the month of January.

This month will be utter turmoil as usual so don’t expect anything to change. In fact, if you expect the worst this month – and a whole lot more – then anything that doesn’t happen will turn out to be a treat. Pucker up your ideas and if you have debt then my advice is to get into more debt because you and I know it’s going to happen anyway. If you are in a rocky relationship: bin the bitch…or the prick…whichever your sex. Could be you are into both, in which case all the very best to you…who am I to judge? Colour red and number 5 are awfully unlucky…you have been warmed.

Just getting over the Christmas festivities? Well, get ready for more because this is a top month to continue partying. Forget diet fads and New Year’s resolutions because you and I know very well they are just full of false promises and there is nothing worse than not backing up a promise – especially to yourself. Can you imagine the psychological consequences when you find out that you’ve just let yourself down? To save you the trouble it is wise to stay on the wagon this month and then you can always hope for the best as you head into February.

Building up for some surprises this month? Sorry to disappoint you but there are none. This month is the same as last month and the ten months before: let-downs, scraps with neighbours and awkward family members and a whole lot of sitting around waiting on someone else to come and bail you out of your mundane and fruitless life. It’s time to look in the mirror and admit you are going nowhere unless you can provide your own psyche with some nutritional plans. After all, your future belongs to you and only you can can determine what happens to you. Get a grip!

What a pathetic start to the year. If there really is such a thing as Murphy’s Law; where anything that can go wrong will go wrong; then surely this month belongs to Paddy’s Law; where everything that can be a total fuck up is sure to turn out a total fuck up. Best thing to do this month is hide in your room and if you have a job – phone in sick. The cosmic energy this month for you my friend is a hopeless grounding. If it’s sympathy you want then my advice is to lock all doors, close all your blinds, put the kettle on and watch some Cillit Bang adverts.

Don’t stretch yourself this month. Take it nice and sleazy. Throw caution to the wind (and your clothes) and show the world how much you love to be the centre of attraction. This is the best time to make a complete and utter arse of yourself in front of as many people you know possible. If there are belated festive parties to attend then get yourself laid because this is the only month that you will be free to do as you please. If there is a hint of an affair happening grab it with both hands (or legs).

Virgos reading this should just scroll to another page to avoid knowing what’s ahead this month. The whole of January is a nightmare. If you want a better description then imagine all the Stephen King films that was ever made and add the complete Final Destination DVD set; that should give you an indication of what’s in store this month. Avoid the colours red, yellow, pink, blue, orange, purple and green – in fact, all the rainbow colours – and numbers 1-9 are extremely unlucky. If I were you, I would just stay at home and get bladdered until February.

Normally the sign of balance; you will be toppled this month with crippling Christmas debts and a mountain of relationship headaches. Everybody is against you and rumours abound about you might actually turn out to be true. Destruction is the keyword this month with plenty of flying plates and deafening threats. Loved ones won’t give a fuck about you so why should you give a fuck about them? Expect an authority call around the 25th…probably from the police or an arrogant double glazing salesperson.

You will be required to muster up as much energy as possible this month because the partying you did over the festive season has you truly worn out. However, this will not deter you from grabbing as many special offers at your local supermarket and with the month closing you should carefully choose your beers, wines and spirits accordingly. I would go for price rather than quality because you are fucking skint anyway and in no financial state to choose otherwise. If your local pub can offer you bar credit then swiftly agree. At least it will get you through until the 30th.

Haven’t we been naughty? Last month’s excursions have followed you through to January and you feel the urgent need to shake things off. Time is not exactly on your side but you should have thought about that before you did what you did over the holiday season. If you do not feel ashamed then you should. Reckless and flirty behaviour should be left to a star sign that can handle it better. You have a lot to make up at the end of this month and loads of apologizing to do…you naughty thing.

Capricorns never learn, do they? You have to ask yourself if you really want what you want as opposed to demanding what you think is right. Be realistic in your approach this month and you might just find some rewards. As lazy as you are, you do have responsibilities at work and home. Stop expecting others to rescue you to the shores because in most respects it is actually your own downfall and behaviour that contributes to the rocky seas. Adopt a different approach towards the end of the month in order for you to get a decent head start this year…otherwise you are screwed!

You are luckier than all the other star signs this month because only one thing will go wrong for you. The problem is, which one are you going to pick? You can have anything you want to go wrong and focus on that one thing but if you don’t then all I can say is all the other problems from all the other star signs will be yours and you will have to carry them on your own back…literally speaking. What a burden that is, eh? So, get cracking on a problem and focus on accepting that problem and the others will go away…hopefully.

There is nothing worse than a sensitive person trying to make sense of the worst month of the year. You are like a lot of fish in the sense that you are trapped but you can see through the holes in the net but you just don’t have the know-how or the skills to get out through the net. Just give in. It is not worth putting up a fight for. After all, there really isn’t much on the other side for you anyway. I mean, we are all fucked; might as well accept it and live with it. Ask for nothing and you will receive nothing in return. Stay low this month.

 

 

 

 

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