Plans to fit booby traps to packets of 20 cigarettes were announced today in the House Of Commons by the Health Secretary. He believes this latest drive to woo smokers away from the weed will save the NHS millions within months of implementation.
Under the new proposal, tobacco companies will be required by law to rig each packet with a powerful boxing glove on a spring which will be triggered as soon as the smoker raises the lid. They will then be punched in the face with considerable force as a recorded message shouts the warning “Oi smoker! NO!”
Trials have already been carried out in parts of London and the initial reports seem to be encouraging.
Jim Blythe,37, a furniture porter from Spitalfields, and a 60 a day smoker, was one of those who underwent the trial and reported a dramatic fall in his habit.
“It’s been absolutely amazing” he told reporters “I’ve gone from 60 odd gaspers a day down to 5 or 6 and it’s all down to these new packets. I mean to say, once you’ve been knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring the craving simply disappears. Then of course, there’s all the time you spend in the non-smoking environment of a hospital having stitches put in your face or undergoing brain scans. No I’m all for it to be honest; and the sooner all of Britain’s smokers are lying stretched out in the street suffering from concussion the better as far as I’m concerned”.
A Department Of Health spokesperson said last night. “Of course, it’s very early days yet; but if the results of this initiative are encouraging we intend to press on and implement another plan which will see smokers confronted outside shops and supermarkets by specially trained government heavies who will attack them with axes”
The proposal comes just days after the opposition outlined plans to have drinkers shot by army snipers as they come out of the pub or off-licence.