Facebook ‘Uplifting Quotes’ Man Drowns Self In Thames

The body of a 35-year-old man, renowned for filling his Facebook timeline with boxes containing inspirational and uplifting quotes from so-called, life gurus and long-dead philosophers, was recovered from the River Thames by police divers last night after a member of the public reported seeing a man jump from Vauxhall Bridge in the early hours of Saturday morning.

A spokesperson for The Thames River Police told us that Mr Terence Tracy, unemployed, had attached an anvil to his ankle with a length of chain and that his body had been taken to a local mortuary to await a coroner’s examination.

His estranged wife, Mary, also 35, told us: “I’m obviously a bit upset to hear this but I’m not surprised to be honest. Although he was an absolute c**t for posting these boxes containing uplifting and life-affirming quotes on his Facebook, I don’t think he was a happy person in all honesty. He was very good with the kids mind, even though they hated the sight of him.”

We managed to speak to two of Mr Tracy’s Facebook friends last night.

Bob Daniels, 32, a diesel fitter from Shoreditch, East London sounded unsurprised when we spoke to him: “Suicide? Are you sure he wasn’t pushed?”

Jade Dell, a 57-year-old housewife, said: “Drowned you say? Thank Christ for that.”

A Facebook spokesperson said yesterday: “I’m not in the least surprised to hear of this incident. In a recent survey, we discovered that Facebookers with a tendency to post uplifting and inspirational quotes - particularly in boxes - are, for the most part, inwardly tormented depressants and, therefore, far more likely to throw themselves off bridges, or under trains and suchlike.”

 

 

 

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