Everything You Eat and Drink Will Fucking Kill You, Say Experts

by Dafty News

STAYING HEALTHY is a complete bastard these days after it was announced everything you eat and drink will fucking destroy you, it has been reported.

Leading health experts who once said potatoes were one of the best things you can eat – way back in the 50s – now claim if you eat a potato your intestine will explode inside your body and your lungs will deflate.

Leading food and drink expert and editor of the Everything You Eat & Drink Is Fuckin’ Bad For Ya! magazine told Dafty News: “Basically, we are all fucked. We can’t eat or drink anything. Every bastard food source is riddled with pesticides or is badly processed. Drinks are terrible, too. They are saturated in chemicals and deposits that can stop your heart in a fraction of a second and make your knuckles curl up.”

The latest news comes just months after leading health experts claim it’s best to avoid everything and anything if you want to live an extra year. They actually mean until next year, not an added year onto your expectancy.

Founder of the Trying to Stay Healthy is Bloody Hard Work group said: “Honestly, trying to stay ahead of the game in terms of health is a task. Every week these twats come up with another new way to fuck us up.

“We are actually beginning to believe it’s not worth living like this. We’d all be better off just drinking beers and spirits and eating magic mushrooms. At least we’ll all die happy instead of being miserable all the time trying to live healthily.”

 

 

 

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