Easter Cancelled After Jesus Finally Found

CHRISTIANS all over the world were this morning overwhelmed with grief and disappointment after their Messiah, Jesus Christ, was finally found - cancelling Easter celebrations this weekend.

Police confirmed in the last hour a scraggly and unkempt man in his early 30s was discovered in a disused building trying to turn an empty half-litre bottle into wine.

The news has shocked the Christian community with many struggling to come to terms that they will no longer have an enigmatic imaginary figure to worship - now that a real one has emerged.

Church leader Albert Hoffenberger told Dafty News: “That’s us completely fucked now. A faith is only a faith when it cannot be proven scientifically so that means we have nothing and no-one to believe in.”

DNA samples revealed the man is around 2000 years old and is slightly confused as to why so many people look up to him.

Speaking through an interpretation agency, the slightly-built long-haired gentleman of no fixed abode said: “I am but a mere carpenter whose story was stolen and exaggerated to further enforce fear and hope into the minds of the mass public.”

It is understood the whole Jesus phenomena is riddled with mental and delusional issues but after tests, nothing of the sort was found in Jesus, himself.

 

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