German chancellor, Angela Merkel, last night made the astonishing claim that US president, Barack Obama, spied on her as she visited the ladies lavatory at The White House during a recent visit. She also accused him of ogling her during the state banquet and of using “inappropriate language” during discussions on arms proliferation in The Middle East.
Speaking to reporters at a press conference Merkel said: “It was an experience I’ll never forget and I certainly won’t be going back there in a hurry I can tell you. Mr Obama’s behaviour throughout was disgraceful and inappropriate right from the word go in my opinion”.
“As soon as we met he made me feel uncomfortable by licking my face as we exchanged pleasantries and he then rubbed himself against me just before we parted. It was quite clear to me that he was physically aroused”
“It was even worse at the banquet where he constantly ogled my breasts whilst sitting opposite me and kept dropping his fork on the floor so that he could look up my skirt”
“Worst of all, however, was when I made a visit to the ladies toilet and sat down inside one of the traps. I was right in the middle of dropping the kids off at the pool when Obama slid his head under the door and asked if I needed company. I felt violated to be perfectly honest and couldn’t wait to get the hell out and back to Berlin.”
Obama made a brief statement last night in which he claims that there is no truth whatsoever in Mrs Merkel’s claim. “Angela Merkel?! You’re kidding me, right? I wouldn’t even touch her with Donald Trump’s tallywhacker! Now if we were talking about that little honey that runs Ireland right now, that would be another matter entirely. Hot damn I’d crawl 200 metres naked over broken glass just to drink her bath water!. Hubba hubba where’s my rubber?!”
If Merkel’s allegations are true it would be the biggest political scandal since Ronald Reagan asked Margaret Thatcher to suck him off under the table at a royal banquet at The Guild Hall, London in 1987.