Bringing the end to a close for 2017, find out how the next few weeks of the year will pan out for all you zodiaccies.
There is an awful lot to reflect back on this year as you head into the dreaded Christmas period. The slightest cracker noise will want to make you run amok in a shopping mall and the behaviour and the silliness of the whole festive period will be enough to make you want to disassociate yourself with the human race…and who can blame you?
Cutting back to suit the financial mess you find yourself in won’t make any bit of difference because you were always skint and you always will be skint so take my advice and get yourself into lots of debt to slap a fake smile on the faces of your loved ones this year. No point in being diplomatic about because we know you’re heading there anyway.
You will have to call your debt expert the very first day of business opening in early January but you will need to seek one who can stop a bullet in his teeth or hold a jumbo jet above his head to get you out of the mess you will be in as you party on down Santa way.
Stress is all part of the festive fun this month so enjoy your worry, embrace your heart palpitations and go for the world record of opening as many wine bottles as you can because you are gonna need it this festive period, believe me…take a rather huge gulp!
The best of you and the worst of you comes out in so many ways at this time of the year but this year you are a year older and another year of your tolerance level has taken a chunk out of your fat arse. There really is no better way to explain how fucked you will be this month so stock up on as much booze as you can and just sit back and watch all the arseholes bash their Christmas hats against each other.
Pretend – as you always do anyway – that every Christmas present you receive is exactly what you wanted but in that moment of alone-ness, just go into a spare room and throw up! It is not worth pretending so tell the fuckers straight this Christmas and tell them next year you are hitting them with a wish list that YOU prefer and their presents will be so ugly the stores will refuse a take-back or refund policy on it.
The cold is biting enough for you balanced people but you won’t be able to take it any longer. Late night shopping, unarrived goods you ordered online will disappear or get lost and there’s nothing you can do about it. You will seem like your life is in a traffic jam with no signals so just buckle up, close your eyes and throw yourself headlong into the abyss. Merry Christmas!
It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be, so don’t worry. Everybody will seem like an idiot, get in your way and you will want to punch a few folk as you unwillingly put up with their crap this festive period. You can do two things here; you can suffer it, bite your tongue or you can just keep a baseball bat underneath the Christmas table this year just in case someone tries to get out of turn.
If at first, you don’t succeed, get some other dafty to do it for you. You have always been the one running around for everyone else but this month it will have to stop. When people call you up and ask you for something just tell them you are incredibly busy…DOING NOTHING!
It is a time to take it on the chin this festive period. There’s not a lot you can do about what is in store for you. Bah Humbug will seem like a joyful cartoon character this year but don’t worry, the festive period only lasts a short while and it won’t be long before you can get tucked back into your mundane and meaningless life. Roll on January.
Time for you Aquarius people to take stock of your life over the last 12 months. If I were you I would be so looking forward to receiving your self-help books and your celebrity fitness DVDs because nothing sells better than hope and you will need all the hope you can muster for the start of next year.
Have you sent your letter to Santa yet? Don’t bother. He won’t listen anyway plus he won’t be the only one not listening to you this festive period. People have been putting up with your crap for so long it is payback time. Enjoy the company of loved ones and friends this Christmas time because it will be your last. Not that anything will happen to you but they won’t want to see you again!