Dear Plumber: No Sexual Problem Too Perverse. No Plumbing Job Too Small

As a jobbing plumber of over 30 years standing it will come as no surprise when I tell you that I’m regularly inundated with requests from despairing members of the public who need a sympathetic ear and some sound advice when dealing with their emotional, marital and sexual issues.  Only last week I received the following crie de cours from a distressed woman who was quite clearly at the end of her tether and needed the kind of calming advice and steady hand on the emotional tiller that only a fully qualified, Corgi registered plumber can supply.

Dear Plumber

Last Thursday morning I left the house as usual to get a bit of shopping in and noticed that the overflow pipe from the cold water cistern in the loft was pouring with water. I ran inside to fetch my husband, but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I spotted his silhouette through the shed window and ran out to alert him to the problem.

The sight that greeted me shook me to the very core of my being and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. My husband was completely naked, except for a studded leather posing pouch, stockings and suspenders and a pair of thigh length rubber fisherman’s waders. Over his face, he was wearing an old gas mask that my mum had kept back from the war and I could see the respirator pulsing as he breathed in and out.

I then noticed that he had a noose fastened around his neck, which he’d lashed to a roof beam, and that his feet were barely touching the ground. Even though he had his back to me it was obvious by his vigorous shoulder movements and heavy breathing that he was pleasuring himself.

I could barely contain my horror and disgust and ran back into the house where I vomited repeatedly into the sink. Fortunately, he couldn’t have noticed me watching him as he came in around 20 minutes later in excellent spirits and asked me if I’d seen the cat.

Since that terrible day I’ve barely been able to function. My work is suffering and the doctor has put me on a number of powerful anti-depressants, which leave me feeling washed out and terribly low. Things have reached a point now where I can’t look at him without retching violently and I have constantly found my thoughts turning towards taking my own life. I sometimes think it’s the only way I will ever escape this living hell.

Please, please help me if you can! I just don’t know where to turn!

Elaine Turnbull
Upton Park E13

******************************

Dear Elaine

I know things may seem pretty bleak right now and it’s small wonder you feel as desperate and low as you do, but things are never as bad as they seem and it’s always darkest just before the dawn.

It sounds very much to me as if the ball valve that supplies the cold water cistern has a worn diaphragm and needs replacing. These are easily available from a plumbing supplies store or DIY stockist and retail at around £12.00 or so.

Simply shut off the supply at the rising main, remove the old valve by undoing the retaining locknut on the valve body and also the union connection on the feed pipe. Remove the old assembly and reverse the procedure to fit the new one. Adjust the ball valve arm to give you the tank water level you require and you should be trouble free for a good few years to come.

If you have any further problems please don’t hesitate to call one of our freephone helplines:

0897 3456 – Compression Or Capillary Joint? / I’m Too Tiny For Love

0897 3457 – Fitting A New Hot Water Cylinder / Feminine Freshness Concerns

0899 3458 – Replacing A Leaking Stopcock / Addicted To Porn

0891 3459 – Lagging Exposed Pipework / Cross Dressing Hell

0892 3510 – Pipe Bending Made Easy / Sickened By Oral

0892 3511 - I Think I Might Be Gay

 

 

 

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