Dear Dafty News

I tried to enter The United States on a tourist visa last week only to be arrested by an immigration officer who escorted me to a small room. Once inside, he began to beat me with a truncheon rendering me unconscious. When I woke I found myself tied face-down on a board with a bucket of icy water in front of me. The officer and a colleague then repeatedly plunged my head into the bucket which induced the sensation of drowning.

During the interrogation which followed it transpired that my arresting officer was in fact dyslexic and had mistaken the word ‘tourist’ for ‘terrorist’ How we laughed as I was unceremoniously tossed out of the airport into the street.

Toby Blair





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