Convince your neighbours that your wife has been on a short break to Magaluf by rubbing gearbox oil into her face before blacking both her eyes, thus giving her that tanned, bar-brawl victim look.
For added authenticity, clean out her savings account and give her a sexually transmitted disease.
The gullible fools won’t suspect a thing.
The Right Reverend Dave Runcie
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury