Damien Green denies pretty much everything

by Danny SoZ

Disgraced MP, Damien Green, last night denied that he had been forced to resign for making false and misleading statements about the thousands of pornographic images police discovered on a computer seized from his office in 2008.

Speaking to reporters last night, Green said: “I have definitely not been asked to resign from my job as a fitness instructor in Pimlico. On the contrary, my boss gave me a rise yesterday for doing such a brilliant job.

“What’s more, I have never watched pornography on a computer, or via any other medium or device.

“In actual fact, I don’t even know what a computer is, nor do I have any knowledge of the existence of pornography.

“I should also like to point out that I don’t know what watching means. Is it something to do with timepieces?

“Anyway, I’ve been blind since birth. It’s why I have a dog. Which I have never stroked or seen naked I hasten to add. I don’t even know what stroking means, or naked, come to that”

Green also denies allegations that he behaved inappropriately towards Tory activist Kate Maltby, by touching her knee and sending her lewd texts.

“I have no idea who this woman is,” he said “Nor do I know what a text is, or a knee for that matter”

Green then left for his country home in Yorkshire after telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time discussing fly fishing in Scotland with his Thai masseuse who he hasn’t met yet and isn’t likely to at any point in the future.

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