HEALTH experts have unearthed a staggering new find that is sure to put a smile on at least 95% of the nation’s faces; after it emerged our disgusting lifestyle choices are actually good for us.
Professors at the Bloated University and Near Diabesity Institute claim we’ve been ill-advised on how to live properly for the best part of four decades.
Health bosses also stress the importance of getting as much out of life before it’s too late and urge the country to get back to how life used to be before all the fad foods and diets spoiled things.
Dr Klemenstein from the Bloated University said: “Contrary to popular disbelief, eating all those plant-based foods and eliminating alcohol from your daily intake doesn’t make you live any longer.
“In fact, you actually live more miserably; so stop trying to prove something you can’t and stick to a strict diet of enjoyable foods and getting hammered as often as you can on booze.”
The news might come as a bit of a shock but proven statistics prove our personalities and life quality rise dramatically when we eat burgers, drink Coke and get absolutely rat-arsed on alcohol.
Angela Neustadt, an expert on enjoying life and renowned psychologist said: “For too long the public have been bombarded with misinformation on how to live. This latest study is a breath of fresh air and is sure to make us want to go out there and get completely sloshed before devouring a giant-sized midnight kebab.”
Regular Dafty News readers welcomed the news with open arms…and mouths.
Lauren and Tammy from Liverpool beamed with joy as they told our reporters: “We have always been careful when drinking alcohol. Normally we’d have a glass of wine before returning home quite early and going about our lives responsibly.
“From now on we’re going to drink as much as we can, get pregnant on a one-night stand and hopefully go missing after an all-weekend booze-binge.”
Margaret in Glasgow said: “Fuck it! As from tonight it’s triple voddies and then McDonald’s for a giant big Mac meal; then hopefully start a late night fight with the security staff to celebrate.”