April 2016 Horrorscopes With Steffi’s Stars

Find  out what’s in store this month for all you horoscopies.

Will it be a month of painful endurance or will you finally be able to come to terms with your mediocre reality? Find out only in the Dafty News horrorscopes with our very own Steffi and her stars.

A new month and a new you. You will leave everybody standing this month as Aries get set to claim this month as their own – and quite rightly so. Don’t take any prisoners this month and your high energy, coupled with your rays of self-confidence, will allow you a great surge and fight that no-one will dare mess with. If your boss annoys you simply tell him to fuck off because you own the month of April.

Do you believe in miracles? If not, then that will be your advantage you can rarely do without this month. No matter what you ask for and no matter how hard you pray; you are not going to get what you want this month. In fact, it will be quite the opposite. The best advice I can give you this month is to expect a 50/50 in everything you go for but don’t be disappointed if that scale tips to a 90/10 against you!

Looking for the big prize this month? Expecting great times ahead this month? If you answered yes to the two questions you are a bigger fool than you didn’t think you were. Let it ride this month because nothing interesting is going to happen for Gemini people. Just keep busy dealing with other people’s problems and get used to it because it will give you the strength to cope with what miserable months are in store for you until your big month in the summer.

Watch your back this month but more importantly: watch others’ as well. Cunning plans and twisting rumours abound this month but don’t get involved because it has fuck all to do with you. Get your face out of other people’s affairs – you’ll thank yourself later for it.

Summer can’t come quick enough for you Leo folks. This time of the year is not for you as nothing really swings in your favour. Whether it be the change in weather, the unpredictability of your circumstances or the fact that Leos are just a bunch of grumps anyway. Deal with life or it will deal with you.

A fine balance must be drawn during April. Tip the scales and you will get what you deserve….be warned! Don’t clutch at straws and do not rely on the promise of a winning ticket from the mystical crystal ball because there is no such thing. You don’t need me to tell you what to do this month but here’s a wee tip for you: get real!

There is a saying that goes a little something like this…”If everything in life is going really well and all is on the up then you have obviously miscalculated something.” Well, this will be what the month of April will hold in store for you Libra chummies. Keep things to yourself and neither confirm or deny anything….even to the polis!

Boy, have I got something for you this month Scorpio buddies. Here’s some strong advice: put all you can into a lottery ticket. You won’t win fuck all but just put a ticket on. It keeps you up with the neighbours. Speaking of which, don’t give anyone in your area any inclination that you are happy to see them. Draw your blinds over and if anyone does see you just ignore them because they will only bring you bad luck and incredible misfortune. Even if you are drowning in quicksand, don’t even wave to them.

Some star signs are just more luckier than others. Every month the lucky stars seem to shine on one star sign more than the other but sadly, this does not apply to you Sagittarius people. Trying to keep things together in your camp is going to be a hard task. Will the rest of the year get better for you? Well, you will just have to keep popping back to this horrorscopes page but I wouldn’t put the kettle on for it.

Drowning in a sea of sweat is more a caption for you Capricorns this month. Try to focus on the positives throughout April and use what comes next as it can build character. It won’t make your month any good but at least, it will harden you up for the many downfalls you will experience in the next coming month.

If you are looking for a good start to this month you might want to kick back into reverse because you have so much ground to catch up you would be best advised to start all over again and then some. Things will go like a snail’s pace in April and there doesn’t really look as if there is any other gear you can use so make sure your shell is nice and hard to take a number of treads you will endure.

Sometimes in life you just have to admit defeat and this is one of those months. Try a little bit harder but expect the same results as if you are doing fuck all because no-one and nothing is going to better your life. Take things on the chin, give up on life and resort to getting back to being a lazy sod the whole of this month…it’s all you’ve got!

 

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