ALCOHOLISM AND VAGRANCY TO BE TAUGHT IN ENGLISH SCHOOLS

In a surprise move, the government last night outlined plans to include the teaching of vagrancy and the dependency on strong drink in the national curriculum for 2016.

A spokesperson for the Department Of Education said.

“In the present difficult economic climate, and with many of Britain’s youngsters struggling to find work, the government feels it’s time to afford these young people the help they need to become hopeless drink-ravaged shells of human beings as they spiral inexorably towards an early death due to either depression, liver failure or constant exposure to the elements.

“Under these proposals, youngsters will be given handy and invaluable pointers towards spending a miserable, hopeless existence lying in gutters and going to the toilet in their trousers. We aim to include valuable life skills such as choosing a particularly ill-fitting and foetid pair of trousers and selecting the right type of string to hold them up with. We will also be offering guidance on shouting aggressively in the faces of passers-by in shopping precincts, fighting with yourself in public libraries and muttering incoherently whilst lying in a subway in a pool of stale piss.

“As children move towards the end of their school tenure and prepare to embark on a life spent battling liver disease and masturbating in bushes, we intend to introduce a few of the more refined prerequisites, such as how best to procure the warmest spot around a burning sofa on a bit of waste ground, how to rifle through dustbins to best effect, and the care and management of a dog on a piece of string. Grooming tips will also be given, which will include suspicious trouser stains removal and how to get the best from your beard full of sick

“It is hoped by this government that the next generation of stumblebums and chronic alcoholics will then have all the necessary skills, and the right tools at their disposal, when they embark on a short, degrading life, spent wandering the streets pushing a pram containing a radio with the back off.”

Last night a spokesman for the Methylated Nomadic Society Of Great Britain welcomed the move and told reporters.

“Yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! I’ll tek the fuckin’ lot of yersh! Yer me besht mates you are! Fuck yer fuuuuuuuuuck! Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeergh!

 

 

 

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