The keeper of the Thames Automatic Lightvessel, anchored at Trinity Wharf in London’s Docklands, has told Dafty News that he indulged in weekly sex sessions with the primus stove that he uses to cook his nightly suppers.
Toby Dell, 57, has been the keeper on board the floating lighthouse since 1985, leaving the confines of the ship just once in 1994 when the weekly supply launch couldn’t deliver his provisions due to bad weather, forcing Mr Dell to swim to the quayside to pick up a sliced loaf and some rolls of toilet paper.
Dell told us: “It began one night shortly after Christmas in 1993.
“I’d had a long day switching the light on and off and decided to make a cup of tea.
“As I lit the primus, I suddenly noticed how damnably attractive it was and I felt the first stirrings of arousal.
“I left it for a few nights and then made my move. I’m ashamed to admit that I put some of my rum ration in the stove’s gas bottle and waited for the grog to take effect.
“I began running my hands over the burner and the gas nozzle and started to breathe heavily when my fondling met with no resistance.
“Before I knew it, we were rolling around naked together in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
“After that, we spent every available hour together when I wasn’t switching the light on and off and would tumble into bed in the early hours after I’d submitted my weather report to the BBC Shipping Forecast. They were the happiest months of my life, no question.”
Mr. Dell then broke down and wept as he told of how it all ended in tears of bitter recrimination when he had a brief drunken fling with the ironing board after a night on the Tennant’s Super and Sambuca depth charges.