STARGAZERS STATISTICALLY MORE LIKELY TO BE A FLOP IN THE BEDROOM CLAIMS STUDY

A recent study conducted by Swansea university has revealed that people who get excited by heavenly phenomena, such as a supermoon eclipse, the Northern Lights, and the so-called ‘blue sky of Pluto’ are statistically far more likely to be below average when it comes to sexual performance.

The study looked at over 3000 married couples and those in long-term relationships and the results were absolutely conclusive, with 98% of the partners of stargazers complaining of lack of excitement in the bedroom.

One woman, a 56-year-old from Norwich, who asked to remain anonymous, claimed that her husband had failed to make love to her even once during their entire 30-year marriage due to his fixation with watching astral phenomena: “It started on our honeymoon when he spent all night on the hotel balcony looking for a predicted meteor shower through a hand-held telescope. Since then, he’s shown no interest in me at all. I’ve tried dressing up in sexy undies, saucy videos, you name it, but all to no avail. He did once put his hand on my knee during an episode of The Sky At Night, but he was just levering himself up to go to the toilet”

Another woman, Mrs Tracy Dell, aged 49, from Sheffield, told a similar tale: “I was so desperate for attention, I went out and bought one of those poles you can set up in your lounge and treated him to a sizzling pole dance. I had all the gear on – nipple tassels, suspenders, the lot – but he completely ignored me and went out into the garden to watch Saturn align with The Sun. The only time I’ve seen him show anything approaching sexual arousal was when I came home from work one day and caught him watching a video showing a lunar eclipse from 1953. He was very red-faced and was sweating quite heavily. He stumbled from the room and locked himself in the bathroom for a good ten minutes or so afterwards. I noticed that he was wearing a clean pair of trousers when he came out”

A spokesman for The British Association of Stargazers last night painted a bleak long-term outlook for wives and girlfriends of enthusiasts: “There will be an unprecedented number of exciting phenomena over the next 10 years – in fact, there will be at least one per night until 2027. Well that’s what I’ve told the wife anyway”

author-byline-whitechapel-whelk

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