Shocking revelations emerged today (they would have emerged last month but they fell down the gap in my in-tray) that Cyber-Doctors (like normal NHS doctors but with highly specialised equipment such as a computer and a webcam) are ready to walk out over “a slew of repulsive arseholes and dicks thrust up against computer screens”.
Hayes GP Dr. Suniwahahahalalala said the following when asked about the appointments, designed to make waiting rooms more tolerable:
“It’s fucking disgusting. ‘Hello, how can I help you today?’ I say, very politely. Within seconds there’s a fucking dick on my screen, ten times larger than life. Or worse, somebody puts their arsehole against their webcam because they think they might have a haemorrhoid. I’m sick of it. I can’t even use my computer at home to play Battlefront because when I see the screen I feel nauseated.”
When our reporter suggested that Dr. Suniwahahahalalala might have PTSD from the abominations he sees daily, he replied, “Maybe, yes. How would I fucking know? I would have to wait a year to get an appointment with a trainee psychologist.”
“Maybe I could see if they do Skype appointments?” he added.
And this phenomenon isn’t confined to male genitalia (or arseholes of course, because arseholes are ubiquitous among the sexes): I spoke with a leading GP in Drizzle, Essex, who told me that all she sees is “minge, constant minge”.
“It’s not long before a significant proportion of my female patients are hoisting a leg up onto the wall behind their laptops so I can have a way-too-detailed view of their fannies.
“Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m looking at when I start the consultation. The line connects and what appears to be a nest of young hatchlings appears on screen. It takes my brain a few seconds to work out that it’s a camera way too close to a vagina.
“I hope they’re wiping their keyboards after,” she said while crying.
I decided to try a Skype appointment myself, and I called my local surgery’s cyber-practitioner, Dr. Edwards. He was already wincing when my call connected.
“You’ve got a rash?” he said, tentatively, and then after a pause, continued, “Where?”
When I told him it was on my upper arm he slumped back in his chair with a huge sigh of relief.
A government spokesperson today told me that if more GPs walk out over gross bits and bobs on their widescreen monitors, they will be forced to legislate. Recent proposals include a brutal desensitisation regime, in which Trainee GPs will be required to suffer through hours and hours of watching Channel 4’s Naked Attraction with matchsticks holding their eyes open, like that bit in A Clockwork Orange.