Scottish vagrant clinches World Stumblebum title

Scottish vagrant clinches World Stumblebum title
by Danny SoZ

A homeless man from Maryhill in Glasgow was celebrating last night after winning the prestigious, World Stumblebum title in Monterey, California, the first time it has been won by a contestant from these islands since an English alcoholic’s victory in 1966 when his last-minute vomiting spree in Whitechapel in East London narrowly pipped the hotly tipped Russian contender whose aggressive begging and badly shitted up keks failed to sway the judges on the night.

Tobias McDell, 61, was awarded the crown after judges were impressed by his shoe polish-eating display in an underground car park and the ferocity of the drunken fight he later had with himself in a public library.

His incoherent muttering skills were also highly praised, as was his stamina when staggering around a Glasgow shopping centre with a beard full of sick.

Mr Dell also received bonus points from the judges when his dog on a piece of string won the “Best in Show” prize for its constant fouling of a piece of waste ground in Govan.

He will be presented with his award next Saturday night at a glittering ceremony down an underpass in Bridgton when drunken wretches from across the country will gather around a burning sofa to drink from Lucozade bottles filled with Buckfast and shoe reconditioner to honour his achievement.

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