Once upon a time in a far away land – don’t ask me where it wis cos A’m no sure – there lived a married couple – aye, they were still together – and they lived in a wee hoose at the edge of a forest. The wife wis expectin’ a baby and she wis no well, and the husband was worried sick. Their neighbour wis a witch, a cantankerous auld bat, and she had a beautiful garden full o’ flowers and herbs. Noo, the wife knew one o’ they herbs called rapunzel wid make her better, but the selfish bitch witch widnae gee her any. Eventually the husband pleaded wi’ the witch tae gee them some o’ the herb or the wife wid soon be deed.
‘A’ll gee ye some rapunzel if ye gee me the wean when it’s born,’ says the wicked witch.
‘Aye awright,’ says the man, fur he didnae want his wife tae die.
So the wife was allowed tae take as much o’ the herb as she wanted. After a few months she had a baby girl, and the wicked witch took her away. She couldnae think of a name fur the wean so she called her Rapunzel. Noo, she wis awfie possesive wi’ Rapunzel, and so she had a tall tower built o’ stone, in the middle o’ the forest, wi’ just the one room at the top. It had just the one window, nae door and nae stairs, and she put Rapunzel in it and never let her oot. Noo, A’m wonderin’ how she got the wean up there – Ah hate tae think of it.
One day, when Rapunzel wis grown up, a prince wis ridin’ through the forest and he saw the tower. He sat there gawpin’ fur a minute, and he saw the witch standin’ at the bottom o’ the tower, wi’ a Tesco bag full o’ food. And she shouted up tae the wee window at the top,
‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let doon yer hair.’
And a long pleat o’ golden hair came hurlin’ oot the window. The witch reached up and caught it, and climbed up tae the window, and scrambled in. Five minutes later, she climbed doon the hair and buggered off.
‘Ah could dae that,’ thought the prince, ‘And then Ah could get the lassie doon and she wid marry me in return fur settin’ her free.’
So the next day the prince went back tae the tower. He stood at the bottom and shouted up,
‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let doon yer hair.’
‘Ah cannie,’ says she.
‘How no?’ says the prince.
‘A’ve just had ma hair extensions done.’
‘Ye mean that hair’s no real?’ says he.
‘Naw, don’t be daft. Next ye’ll be thinkin’ ma eyelashes are real, and ma nails!’
‘Could ye no just risk it? A’ll pay fur ye tae get yer hair done again if ye let me up.’
‘Naw. A’ve just done ma roots this mornin’.’
The prince wis fair shocked. ‘Ye mean it’s no yer natural colour?’ says he.
‘Naw, don’t be stupit,’ says she. ‘Ah have tae dye it masel’ cos nae hairdresser will come aw the way up here. But Ah don’t mind, it’s nice n’ easy. Natural Golden Blonde, Ah can see where the confusion comes fae.’
‘Well have ye no got a rope or somethin’?’ says the prince, fair exasperated.
‘Naw. Did you no bring one?’
‘Naw, Ah wis gonnie climb up yer hair.’
‘Awright then, but A’ll have tae hold ontae it, and if ma extensions break you’ll fall on yer arse.’
‘As long as Ah don’t fall on ma heid! A’ll risk it, fire it doon the noo.’
So Rapunzel gathered up her pleated locks and flung them doom tae the prince. But they didnae go doon far enough.
‘Ah cannie reach them,’ he shouted up.
‘Well, jump up.’
‘It’s nae use, A’m too wee.’
‘Stand on yer horse, ya bampot.’
‘Ah cannie, he’s fucked off.’
‘For fuck sake,’ she shouted, ‘yer a prince, yer supposed tae be tall dark n’ handsome, no an ugly ginger-haired wee smout.’
‘Are ye wantin’ recued or no?’ asked the prince.
So Rapunzel leaned over the edge so that the prince could reach her hair. Up and up he climbed till he reached the top, and she pulled him in. Well, whit a state she wis in after all that pullin’ an’ haulin’. Her face wis bright red an’ pourin’ wi sweat, and her hair was pure ruined, so it wis.
‘Wid ye look at the state o’ you!’ says the prince.
‘You’re no exactly Prince Charmin’, ur ye?’ says she tae him. ‘Prince Alarmin’, more like.’
‘Aye right. Hey, it’s some view ye huv here, eh?’
‘Aye, but A’ve only got the one windae and’ A’m dyin’ tae know whit’s roon the back.’
‘Ah see you’ve nae glass in this window,’ says he. ‘Whit aboot when it’s windy?’
‘Well it’s a windy windae awright.’ says she. ‘It wid blow the caps aff ma teeth if Ah didnae keep ma mooth shut.’
The prince went tae the window. ‘How dae Ah get doon?’ says he.
‘Ye climb doon ma hair.’
‘And how dae you get doon?’
‘Well, that’s always been the problem,’ says she, ‘Ah cannie get doon. How the fuck dae ye think A’m stuck up here?’
So the prince went away to try and figure oot how tae get the girl doon fae the tower. He must have forgotten aboot the rope idea, and he didnae think o’ bringin’ a ladder.
The next day the wicked witch climbed Rapunzel’s hair, wi’ a Chinese carry-oot fur her tea.
‘Yer a lot heavier than the prince, ya fat cow,’ says she, when the witch got tae the top.
‘Shut it, ya ungrateful wee bitch,’ says the witch. ‘So, you’ve had a man up here, huv ye? A’ll sort you oot, ma lady.’ And she climbed doon the hair. Then she dragged Rapunzel doon by the hair. Oot she flew, and stoated aff the ground when she hit the deck.
So that wis the way oot! ‘Ah never thought o’ that,’ says she, hingin’ on tae her extensions fur dear life.
The wicked witch pulled her intae the forest, cut off her hair extensions, and left her there.
Later that day the prince went back tae the tower, but he still didnae have a plan. He just went tae see Rapunzel, hopin’ tae chat her up and maybe get a wee snog, and tae ask her if she wid share some o’ her beauty secrets wi’ him, fur he could dae wi’ some tips.
‘Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let doon yer hair,’ shouts he.
And the hair came doon an’ he went up, fair quicker than he thought. ‘She must be keen,’ says he, an’ he wis hauled in like a sack o’ tatties dragged over a dry-stone wa’.
‘So it wis you that came here to see Rapunzel!’ says the witch. ‘Well she’s no here. Fuck off and don’t come back.’ And she flung him oot the window.
Well, as luck wid have it, he landed on a bush an’ he wisnae deed. But the bush scratched his eyes and he couldnae see. Noo, he never thought tae phone Injury Lawyers Fur You, he just wandered off intae the forest, wi’ his hands oot in front o’ him feelin’ the way, like he wis gropin’ a pair o’ tits. Then he came upon Rapunzel.
‘Is that you?’ says he.
‘Aye. Get yer hands aff ma boobs, ya perv. Can ye no see me?’
‘Ah cannie see fuck all,’ says he. ‘The witch tricked me wi’ yer hair extensions, then threw me oot the tower. Ah landed on ma heid, in a bush.’
‘That wis lucky,’ says she, and she bathed his eyes wi’ special berry juice that wid make them better, and used the rest fur lip gloss. The prince soon recovered, and they got married.
Noo, A’d like tae tell you they all lived happily ever after, but it widnae be true. Ye see, the wicked witch had gone back intae the tower tae get the chicken fried rice, but after she flung the prince oot she didnae secure the hair extensions right, and as she climbed doon they came free and she plummeted tae her death – missed the bush by a hair’s breadth. The prince had the notion fur bungee jumpin’ after his freefall fae the tower, but the bunjee rope broke and that wis the end o’ him. And Rapunzel got her new hair extensions tangled in her false nails, and came a cropper while oot ridin’ the prince’s horse.
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