POLICE SCOTLAND were delighted to announce that for the first time ever at a T in the Park event, no arrests or deaths were reported, baffling local authorities and emergency crews.
A Police Scotland spokesperson told Dafty News this morning: “This is unprecedented. The number of arrests at the Scottish music festival this weekend sits at 0, down from the same point in the festival last year.”
Police Scotland believe the majority are linked to the festival being cancelled but refuse to rule out any other motive or reason until enquiries can be concluded.
“We can’t think of anything else that could have reduced these figures to an absolute zero. It’s rather baffling, to be honest.
“Either the event was cancelled or was moved to another venue, we really don’t know as enquiries are still ongoing.”
Despite T in the Park being scrapped, Police Scotland confirmed a rise in drug sales have been reported, together with a worrying escalation in revellers wearing really pathetic clothing and acting in bizarre obscure behavior, never-before-seen since T in the Park, or any other music festival’s inception.
Meanwhile, reports of a disturbance emerged of a local man from Easterhouse in Glasgow, known only as Shug, an unemployed 38-year-old father-of-twelve, acting suspiciously with a series of ‘rave moves’ and being intoxicated; believing he was still in the slam tent from last year’s festival.