Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain international political climate.
Take last Wednesday for example. We were in the canteen at the station when we received a shout that a well-known Russian dissident had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in a local park.
My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective, anti-radiation gear due to the hazard of contamination from any noxious substance or nerve agent that might be present in the area.
Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to investigate further, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.
PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the British Scrimmaging & Liver Destruction Association