A great metropolis like London can often be a magnet for subversive activities and terrorism, and last Tuesday was no exception.
I was in the canteen with some of the other lads, topping up my tea with strong grog from a hip flask, when a shout came in that a suspect device had been spotted on a platform at Pimlico tube station in Westminster.
Realising that any delay could mean the loss of innocent lives, I downed the contents of my flask in one and climbed into a patrol car with a couple of the lads and sped to the scene.
On arrival, we were told that a bomb disposal team had already gone inside and we were told to set up a temporary cordon around the area.
Fortunately, The Gallery pub on the corner of Aylesford Street was open, so while the lads started taping off the area I went inside and drank heavily until I toppled off my barstool with shit and piss running down my legs.
PC Ted is the vice-chairman of The Double Vision and Diarrhoea Appreciation Society.