Nicola Sturgeon Vows to Give Scotland the World Cup Trophy, Because She Can

Nicola Sturgeon has her eyes on the World Cup trophy for Scotland.
Nicola Sturgeon has her eyes on the World Cup trophy for Scotland.

The Scottish national football team were given a huge boost after SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon promised ‘the country will be handed the World Cup trophy’ as part of her ‘Scotland’s the Best’ manifesto.

Nicola Sturgeon has her eyes on the World Cup trophy for Scotland.
Nicola Sturgeon has her eyes on the World Cup trophy for Scotland.

The firebrand tiny pocket-sized potential Prime Minister has put austerity and healthcare far behind in her plans for Scotland with winning the World Cup first on the agenda.

Spokesperson and close aide leak whistleblower told Dafty News of the secret dossier: “Scotland don’t even need to qualify for the World Cup. Wee Nicola is going to threaten FIFA to hand over the trophy where she will parade it at a packed Hampden Park in front of adoring Scottish fans.”

Other inside leak sources say wee firey Nicola will deliver the World Cup trophy to awaiting fans because ‘she fucking can’.

Hamish McDonald, an avid Scottish international football fan welcomed the news and told Dafty News via an interpreter: “What wee Nicky wants she gets. Nobody fucks with her.”

It is understood Sturgeon has other plans in her manifesto that will force all women in Britain to adopt the Sturgy-bop hairstyle and all kids will be made to wear small red boxed shoulder-padded jackets to school; and all children from Kindergarten age upwards will be made to recite a Krankie’s song before education starts.

In the meantime her entourage are heading to the Himalayas to bring back Mount Everest as wee Nicola feels Ben Nevis is just too small and the country needs a mountain revamp.

Spokesperson told our reporters: “Wee Nicky wants everyone in Scotland to think big and aim high and this latest step will go along way in achieving this.”

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