My mind-cleansing helmet will expunge the memory of Noddy & Big Ears’ gay romps says Jacob Rees-Mogg
Controversial Conservative backbencher, Jacob Rees Mogg, yesterday claimed to have built a mind-cleansing helmet, which can completely eradicate any memories of children’s TV favourites, Noddy & Big Ears, sharing a bed in earlier versions of the programme, which may haunt some of Britain’s elderly population.
Before the new computer-generated version of Enid Blyton’s books, Noddy & Big Ears would routinely be depicted in the same bed at night, which, according to Rees-Mogg, could have traumatised many of Britain’s elderly population and may have caused over a million normal men to “turn towards sodomy”, he told newsmen yesterday at the unveiling of his mind-cleansing device.
“Just 2 minutes of wearing this helmet will completely wipe the memories of Noddy & Big Ears’ debauched lifestyle”, he told newsmen.
“My wife has tried it and she is now completely free of any unpleasant flashbacks to those two depraved creatures romping between the sheets like common beasts of the field”
Rees-Moggs device will retail at £6000 and will go into direct competition with former Tory Cabinet Minister, Ann Widdecombe’s hugely successful “Les-O-Mate’ ray gun, which claims to eradicate any stray thoughts about the ebullient tomboy, George, from Enid Blyton’s Famous Five novels, indulging in regular clam-noshing sessions with her fictional chum, the rather demure and ladylike, Ann.