Menswear retailers in Glasgow have reported record sales of flimsy white shirts as men across the city prepare to die on the way home from the pub after drinking heavily and attempting the long walk home dressed in a ludicrous manner totally unsuitable for the prevailing sub-zero conditions.
Last year, just over 2 thousand Glaswegian males were found frozen to death wearing white shirts in shop doorways, in dumpsters and on strips of wasteground, and this year the toll could be even higher if white shirt sales are to be taken as an indicator.
One 19-year-old man we spoke to was upbeat about his chances of a premature death due to hyperthermia last night.
Tobias McDell from Bridgton, told us: “Tae be honest wi’ ye, ah’m looking forward tae being foond deid oan a bit o’ wastegroond.
“Aye, and if yon white shirrt doesnae prove tae be mah doonfall, ah’ll strip doon tae just mah pants when ah’m a mile or tae frae hame so ah wull. Aye, that’ll get the job done very nicely ah’m thinkin’”
Sales of peep-toe sandals are also going through the roof as thousands of Glasgow women prepare the way for toe amputations due to frostbite, sustained during long walks home through deep snow drifts and constant exposure to biting northerly winds.