A 43-YEAR-OLD man is intensive care this morning after reading an article in the Daily Mail about all the things we do that are killing us, it has emerged.
The article is similar to the other articles the Mail publishes every day but this latest one really put this poor man over the edge, according to his family.
His wife of twenty-three years told our reporters from his hospital bedside where he is thought to be in critical condition:
“My husband is really fit. He runs and he cycles a lot but he collapsed clutching his colon with one hand and trying to Google on his phone if he has a brain tumour because he uses his phone a lot at work with his other hand.”
A leading specialist at the unnamed hospital said: “Often there is nothing wrong with us but when someone, or something, and in this case a bloody awful newspaper publication, points out all the ways we can die, it usually triggers a thought in the mind.
“For example, if I say you’ve got six months to live, the first thing you’ll do is take your kids to Disneyland and start a Facebook bucket list.
“But, if I tell you that you will live until you are 100; you’ll snort cocaine, drink heavily every day and have unprotected sex with both sexes.
“This is much the same with the Daily Mail. If they say you will die if you peel your potatoes anti-clockwise then you will probably believe you will, in fact, die – and then you’ll fucking die peeling potatoes.”
It’s not the first time someone has reacted to a newspaper article. In June 2015 a heavy-set 45-year-old scored a stunning 10-yard scuffed shot at his local five-a-sides after reading an article on how Lionel Messi conquered a hormone growth deficiency to sign for Barcelona as a 12-year-old.