A 53-year-old Whitechapel man is gaining solace from the fact that his mother-in-law will almost certainly be killed during any nuclear exchange between the Western allies and Russia.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us: “Over the last few days, I’ve been getting more and more worried about the third world war breaking out over this Syria business”.
“I’ve cancelled my subscription to Gardening Monthly and have taken all my library books back in case we’re all turned into negatives before I have the chance.
“I’ve even started binge-watching all the shows I’ve recorded on my Sky TV box and have cancelled the milk and newspaper deliveries until further notice.
“The only thing that’s keeping my spirits up is the thought that the wife’s mother will be completely wiped out along with the rest of us when the Russkies nuke Whitechapel.
“I feel a bit guilty, but I deliberately left a fanlight open in her bathroom last night to make sure the deadly radioactive waves can get in ok”
In other related news, President Trump told newsmen at a press conference last night that a tactical strike against Syria “may come very soon, or not very soon, soonish, or next Tuesday at 19.00 EST.”
It is thought that the President is taking into account various factors, such as the positioning of the American battle fleet and the opinion of the weather girl on Fox and Friends.