Glasgow was in a state of high alert last night after lightweight pretend funk artist, Jamiroquai, vowed to asphyxiate the entire population with his massive top hat.
Speaking from outside his big house in the country, the largely-forgotten irritant announced: “I hate Scotland, and Glasgow in particular, if I’m being honest.
“I performed there once and was booed throughout the gig and was later slashed to the bone in the toilets while I was having a piss.
“I, therefore, intend to lower my enormous top hat over the city from a helicopter, making it really hard for people to breathe.
“Hopefully, by the time the airforce shoots me down, quite a few of them will be dead, or, at the very least, in a permanent coma due to a lack of oxygen”
In a similar incident last year, roly-poly BBC London radio broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz, caused over a thousand people in Whitechapel in East London to die from exposure after she deliberately blocked out the sun’s warming rays with her gigantic arse.