A middle-aged man rode a motorised skateboard through Hyde Park in central London yesterday afternoon, blissfully unaware that he looked a complete and utter twat.
The unidentified overweight man, wore a purple vest, long, off-white shorts, and grey ankle socks with leather open-toed sandals as he blithely trundled along Rotton Row looking like an ocean-going bellend of the very highest order.
One eyewitness, Toby Dell, a 34-year-old steel-fixer from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “What a complete plank he looked. The wife and I absolutely fell about when he came sailing towards us.
“I wanted to give him a few slaps, but the missus told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it”
His wife, Tracy, 29, was also scathing: “He looked a complete plonker to be honest. If Toby ever pulled a stroke like that I’d divorce him, no question.
“With the benefit of hindsight, I should probably have let Toby give him a straightener. Soppy daft sod”
The recent spell of warm weather in the capital has provided a number of similar examples of prime twattery; including a fat white man in Bow, who wore a West Ham football shirt to do the shopping, and a middle-aged greengrocer from Bethnal Green who heaped shame on himself and his family by tooling unsteadily along Mile End Road wearing roller blades and a crash helmet.