The run-down inner city districts of Whitechapel in East London and Drumchapel in Glasgow are set to clash on wasteground in a battle to decide which of the two deprived areas is the hardest ‘chapel’.
The fight, which the Eastenders are calling, The Big Up And A Downer, and the Scots, simply, The Rammie, will be conducted on neutral turf in Sheffield and is expected to draw thousands of supporters of both slum districts on the day.
The leaders, or ‘Top Boys’, of both armies have spoken to us of their hopes of victory on the day.
Stephen “Razor King” Hamilton, an unemployed travel agent, who heads, ‘The Drum’ firm, seemed confident of overcoming his Cockney rivals when they clash on the 26th of May.
“Ah nae fine well that mah boys wull gi’ yon London poofs a f****n’ guid heidin’ oan the day.
“Aye, we wull be goin’ back tae Glasgae victorious or Lorraine Kelly’s mah sainted mither!”
Meanwhile, the self-styled “Guvnor” of the East London gang, Toby “The Whitechapel Iron” Dell, was equally defiant and confident last night.
“Let me tell you something for nothing my son. My boys will straighten these Scotch mugs so f******g lively we’ll be back on our manor in time for a lunchtime pint of London Pride and a plate of stewed eels and mash before you can say “Cockney toerags”, know what I mean bruv?”
One surefire set of winners as a result of the clash will be local caterers from both districts, with mobile jellied eel vendors and Buckfast Tonic Wine vans anticipating bumper profits on the day.