Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion
by Danny SoZ

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas.

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1


Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

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