Daily Mail running out of ‘expert nutritionists’ to scare the fuck out of people, say other experts

Daily Mail running out of 'expert nutritionists' to scare the fuck out of people, say other experts
by Kat Ziegel

ONE of the world’s most popular but often criticized newspapers Daily Mail (MailOnline) has admitted for the first time they are running short of nutritional experts in their quest to scare the public into eating properly or ‘you will fucking die’, it has emerged.

The newspaper has, for a long time, drafted up new ways each day to scare the public shitless, have recruited experts from the UK, Europe, Australia and even the United States, but have now resorted to searching the Amazonian jungle and small islands no fucker has ever heard of with their new recruitment policy.

An inside source with heavy connections to the nutrition underworld told our reporters this morning: “In the 50s potatoes were the best thing you could eat. Fast forward to 2017 and eating just one potato a week will give you a tumour that will visibly hang from your earlobe.

“In the 70s it was considered healthy and very important for children to drink as much milk as possible. Today, however, drinking at least one pint of milk a month will increase the chances of your hormones switching to the opposite sex by at least 98%. It’s just all a big fat-free lie.

“It’s all down to the Daily Mail. These fuckers will stop at nothing to scare the fuck out of you.”

The report comes days after a rival newspaper confessed to scaring the public by writing headlines about celebrities having no connection whatsoever to Photoshop.

 

 

 

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