In a stunning move Dafty News are said to have banned all scientists, boffins and experts and accused them of misleading and fear-mongering the public.
Dafty News spokesperson said today: “We are sick and tired of reading mainstream reports about how this scientist says, ‘mothers who eat chocolate during pregnancy are more likely to have brown babies,’ and ‘men who prefer blondes are more likely to live longer.’
We are getting tired of these arseholes and so we developed our own list and hope our readers will take the same view as the mainstream scientists and take no fucking notice.
– Men who prefer blondes are more likely to masturbate to images found in their mothers’ catalogue.
– Women who eat chocolate during their pregnancy are more likely to end up as fat fucks anyway so why label them something different?
– Office workers in their twenties who are late more than three-times-a-week are more likely to develop thyroid problems in their fifties.
– Men who fart in public are said to be more prone to heart disease and liver failure.
– Teenage boys who receive more than two knock-backs for a date with a girl his own age are said to be the most likely to develop serial killer tendencies. (actually, this one is true).
And finally, those who use their mobile phones whilst in company, on a date, or in a room with more than two people, are said to be more likely to be on the receiving end of an angry revolver.