COFFEE giant Costa has been cleared of any wrongdoing by the Food Standards Agency after a customer purchased one of their cheese and ham toasty sandwiches only to discover cheese was actually in the sandwich, it has been reported.
The company had also been accused of selling toasties that only require one bite and the bastard disappears. An allegation the chain denies but did confess the only reason their toasties last so long is because ‘it takes a bastard while for the fucker to cool down’.
The coffee chain was recently hailed as the safest place to eat and drink in Britain after food experts concluded the very small sized sandwiches means it is virtually impossible for a customer to contract food poisoning.
A foods expert in contamination told our reporters: “For any food poisoning to take place, a customer would need to consume so many grams of food. Fortunately, the tiny sandwich Costa offers means there’s absolutely fuck all chance that is ever gonna happen. There’s never a bastard enough amount of bread to get struck down by anything – not even mould.”
It’s not the first time a coffee chain has come under attack from the public.
In April 2016 Starbucks was accused of selling coffee to arrogant soccer moms and hipsters gullible enough to pay the price of a three-piece-suite for a coffee and a fucking cake. An allegation the company proudly confessed to.
*Story idea by Michael Boyle