Conspiracy theorists make the best lovers claims report

by Danny SoZ

According to a report out yesterday, men who subscribe to wild and wholly unsubstantiated lunatic theories are really good in bed.

The report also claims, that the more swivel-eyed the theorist, the greater their staying power and performance in the sack.

We spoke to one young woman from London, Tracy Dell, 19, who told us: “I had always promised myself that I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night, but one evening I spotted a Facebook post from a bloke on my friend’s timeline, expounding the theory that George W Bush was having cyber sex with Sadaam Hussein right throughout the 2nd Gulf War and that they were regularly exchanging dick pics right up to the time when Baghdad was captured by coalition troops .

“I knew at once that he was the one and that I had to make him mine so I put on some really skimpy togs and went round to his bedsit to introduce myself

“While we were having a cup of tea he told me that Barak Obama is the result of a torrid affair between The Queen and “Smokin” Joe Frazier at which point I threw caution to the wind and stripped naked in readiness for the off.

The next thing I knew, we were rolling around naked in front of his paraffin heater. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

The report, compiled by, “The Deluded Dullard Monthly”, claims that 99 percent of women prefer a conspiracy theorist lover, while the remaining 1 percent are members of Boris Johnson’s Lizard Army and are too busy controlling world leaders’ brain waves to have much time left over for a bunk-up.

If you think you may be a conspiracy theorist, take a soluble aspirin and go and have a nice lie-down for a bit, safe in the knowledge that everybody with a functioning intellect thinks you’re a prize bellend.






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