Once upon a time, there wis a single-parent family that lived in a wee toon far far away – well it wisnae that far away in the global scheme a’ things, it wis somewhere in Europe. This bunch wis a maw whose second husband was deed, one beautiful daughter from her deed husband’s first marriage, called Cinderella, and two girls from her first marriage, called Drizella and Anastasia, who were as ugly as a dodgy face lift. The woman and her two daughters hated Cinderella because she didnae look like them: she didnae have a coupon that wid turn milk sour. Cinderella had an awfie habit o’ sittin’ on the floor amongst the ashes by the fire, and that’s how she got her name. Drizella and Anastasia smoked – nae joints, just normal fags, ye ken, but they flicked their ash onto the pile, and on poor Cinderella if she wis sittin’ there at the time. Am thinkin’ she must have been no the full shillin’, ye ken, aboot ten cents short o’ a euro, for she never stuck the heid ‘n them or called them manky bastards. The two step-sisters were a pair a’ mingers and they always made a right mess for Cinderella to clean up, and her wicked stepmother made her do all the hoosework, cos she wis a lazy bastard. Noo, as Ah said, Cinderella wisnie the brightest star that ever lit the sky, so she didnae phone Childline or sue her stepmother for cruel treatment, or phone Claims Direct to get compensation. She just got on wi’ it and kept her gob shut. But if you thought Cinderella wis thick, wait till ye meet the Prince, who disnae seem tae have a name. He was as thick as Campbell’s soup, but just as tasty, mind you. He lived in a huge castle in the posh end o’ the toon. Still no married and gettin’ fair desperate, fur he hadnae heard o’ Facebook or Match.com, the Prince held a ball to check oot all the eligible lassies in the kingdom, and invited every young lady. Cinderella’s two stepsisters put on their best gear and went to the ball, and their maw went oot on the bevvy. But she told Cinderella she could go to the ball if she got all the hoosework done first.
Fat chance, Cinderella thought as she sat in the ashes, greetin’ and knowing she’d been shafted. Suddenly her Fairy Godmother appeared, and magicked a pumpkin into a coach, and four mice into horses, and two lizards into footmen. Aye, A’m no kiddin’. But there wis one snag. At midnight, just aboot the time when the ball would really get going, all the magic would stop and they’d all turn back to what they were before.
‘Midnight?’ says Cinderella. ‘Fuck off! A’m no tagged or nothin’ – A’ve nae curfew.’
‘Aye ye huv – ma curfew. That’s ma rules,’ says the Fairy Godmother. ‘Ye have to get yer arse back here by twelve.’
‘Because I’ve got tae get these fuckers back tae normal before their shift is up or I’m fucked. EU rules, ye see. They cannie work into the next day – it’s no in their contract, and if they don’t stick tae the contract, they’ll get fined.’
‘Whit fur?’ says Cinderella.
‘Well, because it’s the rules. They cannae question them or they’ll get sanctioned.’
Noo, Cinderella always wore rags, and she had nothing to wear to the ball, so the Fairy Godmother had hired a designer gown and Jimmy Choo glass slippers from lastminute.com. Cinderella jumped into her coach and sped to the ball, incurring a £60 fine and three penalty points as she passed the speed camera just outside the castle gates. The Prince danced wi her all night, she had a few too many, and she lost track of time. When the clock struck midnight, she fled from the ball shouting, ‘Oh fuck, A’m screwed!’
As she ran to the coach she left one of her glass slippers behind.
Noo, even though the Prince had danced wi Cinderella all night, he hadnae asked her name or address, he hadnae asked for her phone number or her mobile number, and he didnae know what she looked like. But he knew she was the one for him. As he couldnae give his servants a description of her, the Prince sent them oot wi with the glass slipper, to find her. Whichever foot fitted the slipper, must belong to her, he concluded, as surely there couldnae be two people who took the same size o’ shoe! Noo, this led tae a lot a’ broken bones, as all the vain bastards tried tae cram their big feet intae the wee glass slipper.
Noo A’d like to tell ye that they all lived happily ever after, but life just isnae like that. The Prince was arrested and charged wi illegally downloading hunners of images o’ women’s feet fae internet porn sites. The servants were locked up for indecent assault while examining potential princess feet. The mice/horses and lizard/footmen got fined right enough, for if ye recall, Cinderella never left the ball till midnight so that meant that the mice/horses and lizard/footmen had tae get her home after their shift should a’ been over. What a job that was, fur the coach had turned back tae a pumpkin and Cinderella couldnae walk wi’ just the one shoe. The Fairy Godmother wis charged wi mismanagement o’ magic power, but she turned the judge intae a dumplin,’ for she’d heard that wis what he was. She jumped bail and got some homeless wuman to eat him all up, cos he’d called her an interfering auld bizum. The wicked stepmother married an alkie, and Cinderella signed on but she’s no getting’ any money cos there’s too much money comin’ intae the hoose. Ye see, the ugly sisters wrote a best seller, called Beauty is Pish.