In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known. Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and […]
A 32-year-old London woman told of her intense shame last night as she admitted interacting with total strangers on public transport. Tracy Dell, a legal secretary from Whitechapel, told newsmen: I was on the number 24 bus from Victoria to Hampstead Heath when, to my horror, I saw that the driver had collapsed at the […]
The keeper of the Thames Automatic Lightvessel, anchored at Trinity Wharf in London’s Docklands, has told Dafty News that he indulged in weekly sex sessions with the primus stove that he uses to cook his nightly suppers. Toby Dell, 57, has been the keeper on board the floating lighthouse since 1985, leaving the confines of […]
A 53-year-old Glasgow man has slipped into a coma after the 387 people on his Facebook friends list opted out of seeing his posts by using the ’30-day snooze’ function. Tobias McDell, a mini-cab driver from Maryhill, was last night being cared for at home by his wife, Tracy, who told us: “The doctor told […]
A middle-aged man rode a motorised skateboard through Hyde Park in central London yesterday afternoon, blissfully unaware that he looked a complete and utter twat. The unidentified overweight man, wore a purple vest, long, off-white shorts, and grey ankle socks with leather open-toed sandals as he blithely trundled along Rotton Row looking like an ocean-going […]
A government think tank report out yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby. Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given […]
A 23-year-old Glasgow woman was escorted from a train by rail staff on London’s District Line yesterday morning after a number of passengers complained that she had made repeated eye contact with them. Tracy McDell, a solicitor’s clerk who is in London visiting friends, was bundled from the carriage at Whitechapel station and dragged up […]
The Vatican are set to beatify a Glasgow man after last Tuesday’s TV listings appeared on his penis. The 52-year-old man, Toby Dell, a forklift truck salesman from Maryill, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder. “I couldn’t believe it,” he told Dafty News. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my […]
Millions of people who suffer from chronic back pain were breathing a sigh of relief last night as a statement issued by The Royal College of Surgeons gave assurances that their long-term suffering would come to an end immediately after they had passed away. Speaking at a press conference, a spokesman for the RCS said: […]
A recent survey by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public. Professor Tobias Del, PhD, told newsmen, “Our survey was utterly conclusive. 99% wanted these people whipped to […]