87% of Scots were too drunk to witness the Aurora Borealis claims report

87% of Scots were too drunk to witness the Aurora Borealis claims report
by Danny SoZ

According to figures compiled by The Office of National Statistics, a staggering 87% of the population of Scotland were too inebriated to witness the spectacular phenomenon, the Aurora Borealis, which was visible to people north of the border who hadn’t been drinking heavily, last week.

A spokesperson for the ONS said last night: “A survey conducted throughout all the major cities in Scotland revealed that 87 percent of Scots were incapable of watching The Northern Lights due to having imbibed too much strong drink.

“When questioned, the vast majority claimed to have been ‘far too pished’ or too have been, ‘oan the big boay’s ginger'”

A similar localised survey in the East London district of Whitechapel revealed that 95% of locals thought that the Aurora Borealis was a sexually transmitted disease while the other 5% were in prison.

 

 

 

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